"My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first."
— Mitch Hedberg
"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
— Mitch Hedberg
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
— Mitch Hedberg
"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."
— Mitch Hedberg
"You know they call corn-on-the-cob “corn-on-the-cob” right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that “corn.” They should call every other version “corn-off-the-cob.” It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm “Mitch.” But then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together!"
— Mitch Hedberg
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
— Mitch Hedberg
"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut… end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: “Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I got the doc-u-men-tation right here… oh, wait it’s at home… in the file… under ‘D’… for doughnut."
— Mitch Hedberg
The man himself
